Going through a very suicidal time. I never want to be here but the last couple of weeks the feelings of not wanting to exist have been very intense. I don't think people quite understand what it feels like to want to die every day. How scary it is worrying that you might lose control and just do it.
I don't want to die but I don't want to be this person anymore. I want out. Sometimes I think it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here but I know I can't do it because I have a responsibility and that is an awful lot of pressure. She is the one single thing that keeps me here. I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want to be here because I want to be here and not just because I have to.
Feeling sick. Empty. Scared. Alone.
Going to do some art for my daughter as she was really upset that I didn't get her a Valentine's Day card. I don't celebrate that day, I think it's a load of bullshit and just a scheme to make money. I tell my daughter that I love her EVERY DAY not just one day a year, but she was quite upset about it so I'm going to surprise her.
Hopefully partaking in some art will help ease the pain on my Soul. Will post the finished product.
The Bernard Bert
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Friday, 15 February 2013
Explosion of the Soul
So, half term is finally fucking here. I didn't think that I would actually make it, but here I am, sitting at home after cleaning my front room/kitchen.
Now that I sit here, the dark, lonely, scary feelings that I have been trying to brush off or avoid by working are passing through my veins to the very core of me, like something has been awoken. Every evening I have been fighting back the tears 1. so I didn't look like a Chinese panda the next day (my face seems to swell up after a good crying session and takes its sweet time to return to normal) and 2. I didn't want to set my emotions into more of a downward spiral. I wanted a sense of control but that was very deceptive, as avoidance techniques usually are... they're just temporary relief to get you by.
Every time I had a smoke my bottom lip would turn into a frown and I would do an almost silent sob and then brush off the feelings. But now that I'm here, now that I don't have to face people if I don't want to, I can finally release all this pressure that has been fermenting inside of me for five weeks.
I still have to be mum so I can't completely lose it... I want to just sit in the countryside and watch the trees blow in the wind. Just me, alone with my thoughts.
You know what pisses me off? I AM ILL. But it's not just that. I am not taken seriously because people cannot see it or because "it's all in my head". I have a disorder. Which means my brain lacks order or regular arrangement and is thrown into confusion. Then comes the physical side effects to my illness... fatigue verging on exhaustion meaning I struggle to stay awake and I cannot function or carry out day to day tasks without difficulty, appetite problems that vary from eating everything or nothing or throwing it up, bowel problems related to my anxiety and stress levels...all the while your emotions going 1000 miles per hour, rushing UP, plummeting DOWN...never giving you a chance to breathe... taking you on a rollercoaster the moment you wake up until you finally fall asleep and sometimes even then your emotions won't leave you alone...
My heart hurts at the moment. I cannot have the one I love and I care so much and they don't seem to at all. The way it is. Going to cry now. Happy Friday everyone.
The Bernard Bert
Now that I sit here, the dark, lonely, scary feelings that I have been trying to brush off or avoid by working are passing through my veins to the very core of me, like something has been awoken. Every evening I have been fighting back the tears 1. so I didn't look like a Chinese panda the next day (my face seems to swell up after a good crying session and takes its sweet time to return to normal) and 2. I didn't want to set my emotions into more of a downward spiral. I wanted a sense of control but that was very deceptive, as avoidance techniques usually are... they're just temporary relief to get you by.
Every time I had a smoke my bottom lip would turn into a frown and I would do an almost silent sob and then brush off the feelings. But now that I'm here, now that I don't have to face people if I don't want to, I can finally release all this pressure that has been fermenting inside of me for five weeks.
I still have to be mum so I can't completely lose it... I want to just sit in the countryside and watch the trees blow in the wind. Just me, alone with my thoughts.
You know what pisses me off? I AM ILL. But it's not just that. I am not taken seriously because people cannot see it or because "it's all in my head". I have a disorder. Which means my brain lacks order or regular arrangement and is thrown into confusion. Then comes the physical side effects to my illness... fatigue verging on exhaustion meaning I struggle to stay awake and I cannot function or carry out day to day tasks without difficulty, appetite problems that vary from eating everything or nothing or throwing it up, bowel problems related to my anxiety and stress levels...all the while your emotions going 1000 miles per hour, rushing UP, plummeting DOWN...never giving you a chance to breathe... taking you on a rollercoaster the moment you wake up until you finally fall asleep and sometimes even then your emotions won't leave you alone...
My heart hurts at the moment. I cannot have the one I love and I care so much and they don't seem to at all. The way it is. Going to cry now. Happy Friday everyone.
The Bernard Bert
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Laughing is good for the Soul
So, as I was browsing through Allie Brosh's blog again - Hyperbole and a Half - it occurred to me that I need to add a bit more humour into my life and be a little less sinister. How easy this is going to be, I do not know.
I have an unusual and at times, evil sense of humour and I indulge myself in sarcasm just to make myself feel better.
Maybe this is how I can start to incorporate my artistic side into my life...
Watch this damn space.
For the time being, check out Allie Brosh. Fucking brilliant:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/
The Bernard Bert
I have an unusual and at times, evil sense of humour and I indulge myself in sarcasm just to make myself feel better.
Maybe this is how I can start to incorporate my artistic side into my life...
Watch this damn space.
For the time being, check out Allie Brosh. Fucking brilliant:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/
The Bernard Bert
From the day you are born, you are old enough to die
Feeling like this is such a lonely place.
I am about to combust. I thought it happened a week ago but I was wrong. I haven't given my body and mind a chance to recover, therefore my emotions are like an open wound and salt is rubbed in at the littlest sign of any stress.
Sadly, stress likes to find me everyday. Not the stresses that people would usually deal with, say, the car breaking down on the way to work or spilling your tea over all your paperwork that you spent hours on. No, not those types of things. For me, a little look from someone that I didn't feel quite comfortable with or leaving the staffroom when there are lots of people in there... or saying something to someone only to worry about how I sounded... walking through the hall when somebody's using it... worrying CONSTANTLY about how I sound or look or respond to people...
These are just a few of the little things that pile on top of me and push me into the ground. Though they may sound petty to others, for me, it is an every day battle with myself. I cannot brush away the feeling that it leaves. I am left alone in the dark, naked and crying, longing for someone to understand...or rather, longing to not exist anymore.
I've had enough. I've had enough of being strong. I've had enough of this daily battle. Too many wounds that won't close. Too many scars that still remain. I am broken.
The Bernard Bert
I am about to combust. I thought it happened a week ago but I was wrong. I haven't given my body and mind a chance to recover, therefore my emotions are like an open wound and salt is rubbed in at the littlest sign of any stress.
Sadly, stress likes to find me everyday. Not the stresses that people would usually deal with, say, the car breaking down on the way to work or spilling your tea over all your paperwork that you spent hours on. No, not those types of things. For me, a little look from someone that I didn't feel quite comfortable with or leaving the staffroom when there are lots of people in there... or saying something to someone only to worry about how I sounded... walking through the hall when somebody's using it... worrying CONSTANTLY about how I sound or look or respond to people...
These are just a few of the little things that pile on top of me and push me into the ground. Though they may sound petty to others, for me, it is an every day battle with myself. I cannot brush away the feeling that it leaves. I am left alone in the dark, naked and crying, longing for someone to understand...or rather, longing to not exist anymore.
I've had enough. I've had enough of being strong. I've had enough of this daily battle. Too many wounds that won't close. Too many scars that still remain. I am broken.
The Bernard Bert
Friday, 1 February 2013
Someone turn me around, can I start this again?
I was on my way to see my therapist today with a head full of shit and a "plan" of what I wanted to rant to him about. That "plan" was completely thrown out of the window when I realised the root of my stress... but a story for another day...
As I walked to the tram stop, I perched myself into a space, when this woman with a 4 year old daughter and a lot of bags came over and aggressively said "'scuse" and pushed her bags along with herself where I was standing. Now in the foul mood that I was in I said "please?" Not expecting her to say anything or if she did, I was preparing myself for a defensive response, instead, she looked at me: "sorry". It really took me by surprise. I paused and said "Oh, I really didn't expect that!" She said "I don't like people pushing me either, it's just difficult being pregnant and having a 4 year old daughter...". I replied "Thank you for that, I completely understand" and laughed it off. She kind of left me dumbfounded. I even found myself touching her arm and I hate "unnecessary touching". But I found myself doing it anyway... I was really touched by her response. I'm not sure whether she was ready to hit me or shout in my face, but I just really appreciated her apology and the fact that she admitted that she was wrong.
Anyway, I laughed and smiled and she started getting ready to board the tram and said to her daughter (it was clear that she was very stressed and knew it was going to be difficult getting on the tram) "Come on, (whilst pulling her daughter toward the tram) let's go before mummy ends up getting into a fight" and then she walked away.
Now, I wasn't sure how to take that but in hindsight, I don't think it really matters; I stuck up for myself and I saw a bit of humanity and understanding in somebody. Something that I have been trying so hard to see in people, but failing miserably. She kind of, unknowingly, gave me a bit of hope. Just that small thing. That we are all going through some sort of shit and stresses but still having an understanding. It also made me realise that I need to work on my confrontation skills even more than I thought and that I think I am quick to pass judgement, even though I spend most of my time tirelessly complaining about the arrogance from other people.
We are all living in some sort of pain, or stresses or turmoil or all... Maybe we should have a bit more compassion for each other...
The Bernard Bert
As I walked to the tram stop, I perched myself into a space, when this woman with a 4 year old daughter and a lot of bags came over and aggressively said "'scuse" and pushed her bags along with herself where I was standing. Now in the foul mood that I was in I said "please?" Not expecting her to say anything or if she did, I was preparing myself for a defensive response, instead, she looked at me: "sorry". It really took me by surprise. I paused and said "Oh, I really didn't expect that!" She said "I don't like people pushing me either, it's just difficult being pregnant and having a 4 year old daughter...". I replied "Thank you for that, I completely understand" and laughed it off. She kind of left me dumbfounded. I even found myself touching her arm and I hate "unnecessary touching". But I found myself doing it anyway... I was really touched by her response. I'm not sure whether she was ready to hit me or shout in my face, but I just really appreciated her apology and the fact that she admitted that she was wrong.
Anyway, I laughed and smiled and she started getting ready to board the tram and said to her daughter (it was clear that she was very stressed and knew it was going to be difficult getting on the tram) "Come on, (whilst pulling her daughter toward the tram) let's go before mummy ends up getting into a fight" and then she walked away.
Now, I wasn't sure how to take that but in hindsight, I don't think it really matters; I stuck up for myself and I saw a bit of humanity and understanding in somebody. Something that I have been trying so hard to see in people, but failing miserably. She kind of, unknowingly, gave me a bit of hope. Just that small thing. That we are all going through some sort of shit and stresses but still having an understanding. It also made me realise that I need to work on my confrontation skills even more than I thought and that I think I am quick to pass judgement, even though I spend most of my time tirelessly complaining about the arrogance from other people.
We are all living in some sort of pain, or stresses or turmoil or all... Maybe we should have a bit more compassion for each other...
The Bernard Bert
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