A friend once used the title of this post for one of their own about 5 years ago. It just seemed quite fitting. I think about that person, more often than usual. Maybe because I realised over Christmas after an encounter with him that he was and still is the love of my life. Now the word 'love' actually makes my skin crawl and it rings alarm bells whenever I know I have to say it or think it (apart from the love I have for my daughter). I'm talking about love for a 'life partner'. Two days ago, I started thinking whether I was even capable of love and moreover, capable of anyone truly loving me. They always say that no one can ever love you if you don't love yourself and I certainly don't. I wonder whether this disorder means that I will never really love myself... I always said that I was destined to be alone forever; I have destroyed any relationship - whether physical, emotional or friendship - I have with anybody.
I think it will be a long, long time before I can ever share my life intimately with somebody and it is quite a scary and lonely thought. I am extremely lonely right now. I realised that the one person that I relied on and felt safe with can no longer carry me on their shoulders because they admitted that they let me down. At first, I thought it was me being unreasonable but there is evidence for it and this time I know it's not me and my "borderline tendencies". That term makes me laugh, but I am so much more aware of myself and the reasons as to why I do or say certain things than I was even a month ago. I guess that's got to be some sort of progress then.
The Bernard Bert
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