Going through a very suicidal time. I never want to be here but the last couple of weeks the feelings of not wanting to exist have been very intense. I don't think people quite understand what it feels like to want to die every day. How scary it is worrying that you might lose control and just do it.
I don't want to die but I don't want to be this person anymore. I want out. Sometimes I think it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here but I know I can't do it because I have a responsibility and that is an awful lot of pressure. She is the one single thing that keeps me here. I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want to be here because I want to be here and not just because I have to.
Feeling sick. Empty. Scared. Alone.
Going to do some art for my daughter as she was really upset that I didn't get her a Valentine's Day card. I don't celebrate that day, I think it's a load of bullshit and just a scheme to make money. I tell my daughter that I love her EVERY DAY not just one day a year, but she was quite upset about it so I'm going to surprise her.
Hopefully partaking in some art will help ease the pain on my Soul. Will post the finished product.
The Bernard Bert
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