Explosion of the Soul

So, half term is finally fucking here. I didn't think that I would actually make it, but here I am, sitting at home after cleaning my front room/kitchen.

Now that I sit here, the dark, lonely, scary feelings that I have been trying to brush off or avoid by working are passing through my veins to the very core of me, like something has been awoken. Every evening I have been fighting back the tears 1. so I didn't look like a Chinese panda the next day (my face seems to swell up after a good crying session and takes its sweet time to return to normal) and 2. I didn't want to set my emotions into more of a downward spiral. I wanted a sense of control but that was very deceptive, as avoidance techniques usually are... they're just temporary relief to get you by.

Every time I had a smoke my bottom lip would turn into a frown and I would do an almost silent sob and then brush off the feelings. But now that I'm here, now that I don't have to face people if I don't want to, I can finally release all this pressure that has been fermenting inside of me for five weeks.

I still have to be mum so I can't completely lose it... I want to just sit in the countryside and watch the trees blow in the wind. Just me, alone with my thoughts.

You know what pisses me off? I AM ILL. But it's not just that. I am not taken seriously because people cannot see it or because "it's all in my head". I have a disorder. Which means my brain lacks order or regular arrangement and is thrown into confusion. Then comes the physical side effects to my illness... fatigue verging on exhaustion meaning I struggle to stay awake and I cannot function or carry out day to day tasks without difficulty, appetite problems that vary from eating everything or nothing or throwing it up, bowel problems related to my anxiety and stress levels...all the while your emotions going 1000 miles per hour, rushing UP, plummeting DOWN...never giving you a chance to breathe... taking you on a rollercoaster the moment you wake up until you finally fall asleep and sometimes even then your emotions won't leave you alone...

My heart hurts at the moment. I cannot have the one I love and I care so much and they don't seem to at all. The way it is. Going to cry now. Happy Friday everyone.

The Bernard Bert