I'm going to carry on being honest and validate my own emotions, exactly as I feel them. I am owning them and not letting them own me, so to speak. I am not passing blame, I am simply acknowledging my emotions for what they are and dealing with them in a healthy way (yes, I know that was self reassurance in regards to what people may think of this). It is not my emotions that define me, but the way in which I deal with them.
And it's that time of night again when I get into bed, only to be up a few moments later. I'm too aware now to turn back. Too aware of everything not to get better.
I know the day will come during my treatment when I will have to confront all of the pain I have never gotten over but pushed deep down inside of me instead. I understand why I lost it during that part of my life now... during the aftermath of my actions. That feeling of worthlessness... self hatred... abandonment... disgust... They were all very real. I nearly took my life several times during that period of time. I would've been dead if it wasn't for my daughter. Everything was just dark. I was very ill. I didn't hate them, I hated me. They defined me with their actions. They unintentionally made me hate myself to the point of self destruction. It felt like they were all piling on top of me, strangling me: "Hey you crazy motherfucker, look how fucking weak you are. Here, eat this shit. No, that's not enough. Have some more".
I didn't deserve that. Borderline or no Borderline, I didn't deserve any of that. Regardless of what I did, I did not deserve it. Sure, I could understand it if all I wanted to do was purposefully hurt people, but I didn't. I wanted to love them and I didn't know how. My intentions were never bad.
When I look back on it, when I really think about it - I thought I had dealt with it, but it wasn't that at all, I just got used to it... it still plays a part in my life - it is still very raw. It's like an open wound, sensitive to touch, so I just don't touch it. But as I near closer to my treatment and the more research I do, the more my past comes back to haunt me. The more it screams at me: "SARAH. You know you're going to have to deal with it to recover" and that is scary because I never want to revisit that place.
Out of my entire life and I say this with complete sincerity, that was truly the worst I've ever felt about myself and it was one of the worst places I've ever been. My emotions were completely out of control and I didn't know why... people just blamed me... I was misunderstood and alone... I felt like they were laughing at me and to be honest I truly think they were. I'm glad I didn't take my life because where are those people now?
There is a hint in the name: Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I was called crazy a lot... psycho... I wasn't crazy at all; there was chaos running through my head about myself, about others, about the world in response to their actions and I didn't know of any coping mechanism (save for a destructive one) to deal with it in a healthy light. Everything that happened after, was to me, just another way of saying, "You're a worthless nobody. Nobody cares about you. Why would they care about you? We'll lie to you. We'll hurt you. We'll piss all over you whilst you scream. We'll gag you and fuck you until you cry. We'll bleed the life out of you. We'll hate you. You are nothing. Nothing but a sad excuse for a human being. We'll cut you in two" and I let these emotions consume me. I let it happen. I was unstable. I was not strong. I was broken. I wasn't anybody. I truly believed that. I let their actions define me. I absorbed them like a sponge. If they were disregarding my emotions, my feelings, my existence, then it must be true? After all, I am a chameleon. What I failed to see at the time was that their actions were not a reflection of me but of themselves.
But it has still stuck. Like birthmarks all over my soul. I didn't know then... I didn't know why... I just got used to the idea that I was a nobody back then and I've been carrying that feeling around for nearly six years. The thing you have to understand about a Borderline is that they absorb everything. Someone once said that to me before they even knew I had the disorder... They cannot merely brush of emotions regardless of whether they happened two weeks ago or ten years ago. They stick to you and manifest themselves right in your core and it just feeds the cycle of self hatred and negative coping mechanisms shown through your behaviour.
Think of getting your heart broken, whether through a break up or somebody cheating on you... now think how fucking shit that makes you feel about yourself and how sad that has made you. That is 'normal'. Now, times those emotions by a million and you will have the Borderline emotions... but they are not clear, you cannot identify them, they are just chaos in your head. Like the devil inside of you, screaming in your mind. Constantly. And it is a series of problems within the Borderline that allow it to do that... that allowed my emotions to spiral out of control in this situation...
- Defining yourselves based upon your perceived ideas of what others think of you - we have no identity to begin with so we base it on other people's views of us or how they treat us or our idea of what we think they expect us to be
- Black and white thinking - that you must be either all good or all bad and in this case, all bad, there is no middle ground. You must be all bad if this is happening
- Flight or fight response which comes with a list of things: Dissociation - feeling detached from your mind, body, the world, as if you are not here; Impulsiveness which can lead to destructive behaviour; Anxiety and OCD as your mind's way of trying to gain control and protect itself; Detachment from people so no one can hurt you
- Self punishment for being such a loser
- Splitting - conflicting emotions about the people around you in response to how they treat you in that precise moment - going from love to hate, love to hate, love to hate... it is all very confusing for your brain. It's pretty much like saying, "Leave me alone, I'm lonely"
- Fighting off suicidal urges and that is a whole other battle in itself, especially if all you want is to make the chaos stop and not die
- All the while you're hurt and you feel abandoned and rejected just like you was as a child. You feel invalidated, that your emotions or being isn't worth anything
Even now, though I am tired, I still cannot articulate them clearly. But as you can see they are all pretty unstable emotions to be feeling all at once. It is complete an utter chaos and only feeds the distortion that you have of yourself: "Who, or rather, WHAT the fuck am I?"
When I think about that time properly, I get angry, an unbearable rage. I still blame myself for everything. Maybe it was my fault. But then I am not accountable for other people's choices? And then come some more conflicting emotions about myself. I didn't ask for these emotions or this disorder.
The scary thing is, I know I have the strength to revisit my emotions I felt after being raped, what it did to me, how it screwed me up... I know I am a survivor and I am not afraid. This, on the other hand, scares me shitless.
I can still hear the sound of my cries. The sound of my head banging against a wall. The smell of my vomit from punishing myself for all that I was. I can still feel the burn of the cuts. I can still see my legs giving way and watching me fall to the ground. I can still hear "psycho" ringing in my ears. I can still feel that desperation.
I know I will heal from this and I know it will take time. I know that I am now ready to deal with this and move on.
Bad blood that may never run clean? I think it will, for me.
Aaah. And that feels better. Goodnight.
The Bernard Bert
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