Parenting with BPD

I'm sick of this whole "tired so go to bed only to get up minutes later because I feel emotional" business.

My whole body clock is messed up.

I started to think about my daughter and it made me sad. It broke my heart; she's lonely :'(

I feel like a social outcast and probably through my own fault. Though I have mastered the art of putting on a front to mask my sadness around people, no one wants to be around a shy and awkward person, do they? So I withdraw from people. I don't feel comfortable around anyone, or rather I don't feel comfortable with myself around anyone and my defence mechanism is to just distance myself or cut myself off altogether. If I stay away from people they can't hurt me... they can't identify my flaws. Little did I know until recently the effect it may be having on my daughter; I don't have many friends with children, therefore she doesn't have many friends.

She's an only child. She must be so lonely. I used to hang out with a handful of friends that had children but then I went to university and they lost interest in me saying that I had to do uni work everytime they asked us to do something. It wasn't always an excuse. It was three hardcore years of work and before that it was college. But in the end, they just stopped asking me. I wasn't concerned about my daughter's social life because she saw a lot of children her age at the childminders', went on outings with them and she was in nursery and then school. Now though, I realise that that isn't good enough - she needs a social life and she needs to witness me having healthy ones too.

This half term (we are now coming into day 12) she has only seen three children, who are relatives; a niece who is 1 and two nephews aged 3 and 4. Not much for a nearly 8 year old. I feel so bad. It just breaks my heart that she doesn't have any friends. She is already a shy person (something that I have accepted not to be my fault, but part of her personality) and I don't want to turn that into a problem for her. As I was growing up, my mum did not have any friends. She wasn't sociable at all. We had friends - we made friends with our neighbours but I don't remember any of them coming round to play, she didn't like anyone around. We just witnessed my mum living her lonely life, surrounded by nobody but us (when she chose to be around us) and herself (and our abusive dad). It was completely natural to us, but it left a permanent mark on how we viewed the world and other people. We were never brought into the world of healthy social interactions which has left a hallmark on some traits of my personality. We didn't learn many interpersonal skills and the ones that we did learn weren't very positive.

It just breaks my heart.

Last week we didn't do much at all, we (I) just took advantage of having two weeks instead of one out of work so bummed around and planned to be proactive this week.

We've done okay... Yesterday, we travelled to Central London (she loves to get out and about and pass through London Victoria to get the good sushi) to get my tattoo. Last night I had my breakdown so woke up like a zombie, on edge, emotional... I told her I wasn't feeling too well and in the evening she went bowling with her stepdad. Still, no sign of other children in her life. Tomorrow we plan to go to the cinema with a friend (again, no children present...) For Thursday, I decided to bite the bullet and contact an old friend that I lost contact with in my uni days who has three children (two of which are close to my daughter's age). She said that we could do something but since hasn't replied to my message... makes me nervous as I've already told my daughter that she would see them and she got very excited. I hope it doesn't fall through. I don't want her to feel even more alone.

For Friday, we are going to see a friend in Kent (again, no children present...) I did contact another old friend who has a child. I went to uni with her but she didn't reply...

Maybe I shut people out for too long. If people are constantly reaching out to you and you keep rejecting, one day, they are just going to give up.

It makes me sad (more like rips my fucking heart into two) when she comes home from school and cries because she didn't have anyone to play with at lunchtime. When I see her hurt like that my defence mechanisms heighten, they are on full alert and all I want to do is grab her and flee. All I want to do is protect her from the world, from people... I don't ever want her to hurt. And I guess that's why I subconsciously surrounded us with a bubble. It was us and them. (I highlight subconsciously because I assume people will think I am selfish blah blah blah and I don't have the strength to fight that off at the moment. But yes, most things that I do are done subconsciously. I have good intentions. My brain has just been trained to function in an unhealthy way).

And that's what makes me think that she would be better off without me.

The emotions I am feeling right now are fucking intense. I can feel my heart breaking.

It's not too late to change. It's not too late to change. It's not too late to change.

Here's what I am going to do: I haven't met a parent at the school that I actually like or get on with - they're either superficial, stupid, rude or just want to bitch about the school (I also work there so it puts me in an awkward situation). BUT, it's time for my master of disguise to stretch even further in the day (I usually can only manage it when I'm at work and on occasion not even then). I am going to ask her who she classes as a good friend and who would she like to come round after school to play and have dinner, say once every two weeks and then I'll ask for the parent's phone number. I don't want to push it because I've got to use the SMART approach:

S pecific
M easurable
A chievable
R ealistic
T imescale

We use this in the CBT (which by the way I haven't had for a month due to the lack of money... that probably paid a part in my break down. Side note: If only I could afford the £65 an hour once a week, hey, I think even twice a month would work, then I know I would get better. And fast. We have an understanding and he is fucking amazing at what he does. Fucking depresses me even more that I can't see him). Anyway, we use this in CBT because it puts less pressure on you. If I said, "Right, you're going to have one friend around to play once a week and then you're going to meet up with a friend at the weekend too", then I pretty much set myself up to fail and then the cycle of self hatred will begin and you stay in the rut.

So, that will be my behaviour experiment.

I'm going to rephrase what I said about change... it is not about change. I don't need to change who I am. I am Sarah. I am me. It is about modifying and reparenting to enhance your quality of life and in turn enhance your child's life.

And you know what, all of the above is exactly what makes me a good mum.

The Bernard Bert