Dissociation

I woke up feeling like a pile of wank. The world scared me. I scared me. I could feel myself dissociating. It's very difficult for someone to comprehend if they have never felt that before... but it makes you feel like you are not here. That you're not in your body or this world, that nothing is real. Just completely detached from everything. Its scary because you feel like you're fading away, you aren't anything. No soul. No heart. No bones. No skin. No face. Nothing. It's as if you are watching yourself. I get scared because the OCD kicks in and then I torment myself about what I am capable of. It is not a nice place to be.

I know why I feel like this - because I haven't been at work for over a week and though I have seen people, it is not enough. I need structure, constant interactions with people. And though that sends my brain into chaos, at least I can feel something. At least I know that I am here. I am real and living in the world. I am grounded.

If only I had someone to catch me before I floated away, to ground me again.

At the moment, I am just floating somewhere in the air, watching myself carry out day to day activities. The worst thing about dissociation for me is that you don't feel in control and control is a big part of OCD and the borderline. We want control over everything in our lives because it is safer that way. The unpredictable unsettles me to the point where the OCD does kick in to help you deceptively feel like you do have control over something. But as I said, it is deceptive. Just another unhealthy coping mechanism that has been on automatic for as long as I can remember.

Control. What can we actually control in our life? We can't control our past or our future. We can't control other people's thoughts or actions. We can't control the world. Can we control ourselves? To a point. We have a choice: we can't control our thoughts, that is nearly impossible but we can control our responses to them. But you've got to have the tools; if you've been living a certain way for so long it becomes habit, automatic, it is just natural to you. And if you are completely unaware that your responses to your thoughts and feelings are unhealthy, then you inadvertently send yourself into a downward spiral of hate, worthlessness and the desire for control. It is a domino effect.

Borderline Chaos (thoughts, feelings, behaviour) ---> Depression ---> Dissociating as a coping mechanism ---> Anxiety ---> OCD as a coping mechanism to gain control ---> Anxiety ---> Dissociate further ---> Depression ---> And the cycle continues...

You get stuck in a rut. It's all about your mind trying to protect itself from all the fear and the pain. It's trying to help you survive - the fight or flight response - little does it know that it's only enhancing your initial problems.

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As I couldn't feel anything this morning, my mind tried to protect itself; the impulsiveness side of my borderline disorder came out. I know a little bit about where the impulsiveness stems from but haven't quite grasped it yet. More reading I think. But in layman's terms, it is another unhealthy coping mechanism. So I couldn't feel anything and I so desperately wanted to. Then an idea was planted in my head and then I couldn't let it go: to get a tattoo. I finally felt something other than emptiness. Adrenaline started to kick in at my genius idea. So my daughter and I got ready and made the 1hr 3/4 journey to my friend to get it done. I knew that I needed to get out of the house before I turned completely mad, I saw the signs, so I took the opportunity of my spontaneity. I wanted the tattoo to help ground me, to remind me why I was doing what I was doing, to help myself along the road of recovery. The last one I had done was of my daughter's name over the scar on my wrist where I had cut myself, to remind me why I am here.

It felt good to feel the fresh air on my face. The journey there wasn't great as I had to deal with panic attacks creeping up on me (I'll save that for another time), but it was an achievement to even be floating in the world.  It didn't hurt as I deserved any pain that was inflicted on me. I just took it and it was very ironic as Linkin Park's Numb came on the radio... I laid there, embraced it and my fear started to wash away in the words and the ink that was being imprinted on me... It was a moment that I will treasure.

I still don't feel great as that was a short lived moment and it will take a lot more to come back down to earth but I can look at the tattoo and it makes me feel like I am here. It urges me to just keep going.

Own your emotions, don't let them own you.

The Bernard Bert