I was on Tumblr most of the evening, trying to compensate for the lack of involvement I have in the world right now. Thought it was time to go to bed after experiencing more anxiety, including OCD. Got upstairs, kissed my daughter goodnight and got into bed.
Was up three minutes later in tears...
Laying there, floating away into some other world, reality came to pay me a visit:
Reality: Sarah. Saraaaah. SARAH.
Silence
Reality: Sarah. You've got to come down sooner or later. You better make it sooner rather than later otherwise you will pay the consequences.
Me: No.
Reality: Sarah. Trust me.
Me: No.
Reality: Sarah...
Me: Yea... You have never lied to me before, Reality.
Uncontrollable crying
And upon that note, I stuck in my earphones and came downstairs where I sat and cried about all the pain and fear that I had been trying to protect myself from. And then the guilt came with the reality of impulsively spending money earlier that I did not have. And then came the worthlessness, followed by more pain... and then came the desperation.
I don't want to and I can't live like this anymore.
I picked up the phone and rang my ex that has known me for four years. We are still on talking terms but the barriers I have put up around myself refuse to let me open up to him. But this was an exception. And I cried and cried and cried. The one person who has stuck by me through thick and thin, consistently. That's when you know somebody truly loves you as a person. There must be something good about me if someone can love me and not be in love with me, right?
I know I am splitting right now because I feel invalidated. But I will write about that when I can stop denying its existence.
I am tired. My eyes are sore. And I need to be ready for another round with the chaos in my head.
The Bernard Bert
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