Forgiveness

Saw my CBT therapist yesterday. Although, he’s not really my therapist anymore and more of a friend (I used to see him once a week but I ran out of money - it costs £65 an hour - so this was the first time in a month). 

He broke me. That was the first time he has really broken me down. The barriers just faded away and I cried and he held me and I cried some more.

He said: Sarah, why do you keep tormenting yourself? Why do you keep holding onto everything and punishing yourself for yours and other people’s mistakes? 

Me: I don’t know. I can’t let go. I am a sponge, absorbing every emotion from everyone, ever.

Him: You must forgive yourself. Think about this: what can you benefit from forgiveness?

He then leaves to get a glass of water and expects me to have listed those things down.

I find it difficult and squeeze this out of me: To move on; less tormenting of self; less chaos in head; freedom to live more in the present; make room for love.

He returns.

Him: Would you forgive your daughter if she did something bad?

Me: Yes, of course.

Him: Why?

Me: Because she is human and she is allowed to make mistakes.

Him: Apart from the fact that she is human… why?

Me: ……because I love her.

There is a silence

Me: They don’t deserve my love and they don’t deserve my forgiveness.

Him: So you have to love them to forgive them?

Me: No… yes… no. I hate them for what they did and what they do, they deserve to suffer.

Him: But are they suffering? How are they suffering by you not forgiving?

Me: ……………. 

Him: Ok, you hate them and you want them to suffer, so let’s go and buy some guns and shoot their heads off.

Me: I could never do that.

Him: And why not?

Me: Because I could never hurt somebody, not intentionally anyway. I’m just not like that. I could never make somebody suffer.

Him: Ok, so you don’t have the balls to shoot some heads off but they don’t deserve your forgiveness, so who is actually suffering?

Me: ………………… me.

Him: Precisely. You cannot go back in time. No matter how hard you try, you can not change what is already done. There is no purpose in holding onto everything. 

Me: I don’t deserve forgiveness. 

Him: Why?

Me: There is too much chaos in my head.

Him: There is only chaos in your head if you feel the need to hold onto it for a purpose. What purpose? Self hate? Why don’t you deserve forgiveness?

Me: ………..because I am bad. I am not worthy of anything. 

Him: You punish yourself day in, day out, it feeds the chaos in your head. Every bad thing that somebody does against you, you see as a reflection of you because you’ve already decided by not forgiving yourself that you’re on the road to self torture; you filter out the good. You take what people say or do as fact because you are not forgiving of yourself. You have no compassion for yourself.

Me: I don’t know how to have compassion for myself.

Him: (At this point he has come to sit down next to me on the carpet) Sarah, you have to let it go. Enough is enough. You have to let it go. Who is suffering? Who is benefiting from all this anger and hatred? It’s not even about anyone else, forget everyone else, it is about you forgiving yourself. It’s about saying that you didn’t know better then but you do now. It’s accepting that you cannot change the past. You have been punished enough, Sarah. It’s time to let it all go.

And I start to cry and he hugs me tight.

Him: Don’t punish yourself for other people’s choices. You have been punished enough. 

I hug him tighter: I’m tired of fighting.

Him: The only person you are fighting is you. It’s time to let it go, It’s time to forgive yourself.

After a while, the session came to an end and he drove me to the bus stop. Before I got out, he took my hand:

Sarah, it’s going to be ok. 

The Bernard Bert

Parenting with BPD

I'm sick of this whole "tired so go to bed only to get up minutes later because I feel emotional" business.

My whole body clock is messed up.

I started to think about my daughter and it made me sad. It broke my heart; she's lonely :'(

I feel like a social outcast and probably through my own fault. Though I have mastered the art of putting on a front to mask my sadness around people, no one wants to be around a shy and awkward person, do they? So I withdraw from people. I don't feel comfortable around anyone, or rather I don't feel comfortable with myself around anyone and my defence mechanism is to just distance myself or cut myself off altogether. If I stay away from people they can't hurt me... they can't identify my flaws. Little did I know until recently the effect it may be having on my daughter; I don't have many friends with children, therefore she doesn't have many friends.

She's an only child. She must be so lonely. I used to hang out with a handful of friends that had children but then I went to university and they lost interest in me saying that I had to do uni work everytime they asked us to do something. It wasn't always an excuse. It was three hardcore years of work and before that it was college. But in the end, they just stopped asking me. I wasn't concerned about my daughter's social life because she saw a lot of children her age at the childminders', went on outings with them and she was in nursery and then school. Now though, I realise that that isn't good enough - she needs a social life and she needs to witness me having healthy ones too.

This half term (we are now coming into day 12) she has only seen three children, who are relatives; a niece who is 1 and two nephews aged 3 and 4. Not much for a nearly 8 year old. I feel so bad. It just breaks my heart that she doesn't have any friends. She is already a shy person (something that I have accepted not to be my fault, but part of her personality) and I don't want to turn that into a problem for her. As I was growing up, my mum did not have any friends. She wasn't sociable at all. We had friends - we made friends with our neighbours but I don't remember any of them coming round to play, she didn't like anyone around. We just witnessed my mum living her lonely life, surrounded by nobody but us (when she chose to be around us) and herself (and our abusive dad). It was completely natural to us, but it left a permanent mark on how we viewed the world and other people. We were never brought into the world of healthy social interactions which has left a hallmark on some traits of my personality. We didn't learn many interpersonal skills and the ones that we did learn weren't very positive.

It just breaks my heart.

Last week we didn't do much at all, we (I) just took advantage of having two weeks instead of one out of work so bummed around and planned to be proactive this week.

We've done okay... Yesterday, we travelled to Central London (she loves to get out and about and pass through London Victoria to get the good sushi) to get my tattoo. Last night I had my breakdown so woke up like a zombie, on edge, emotional... I told her I wasn't feeling too well and in the evening she went bowling with her stepdad. Still, no sign of other children in her life. Tomorrow we plan to go to the cinema with a friend (again, no children present...) For Thursday, I decided to bite the bullet and contact an old friend that I lost contact with in my uni days who has three children (two of which are close to my daughter's age). She said that we could do something but since hasn't replied to my message... makes me nervous as I've already told my daughter that she would see them and she got very excited. I hope it doesn't fall through. I don't want her to feel even more alone.

For Friday, we are going to see a friend in Kent (again, no children present...) I did contact another old friend who has a child. I went to uni with her but she didn't reply...

Maybe I shut people out for too long. If people are constantly reaching out to you and you keep rejecting, one day, they are just going to give up.

It makes me sad (more like rips my fucking heart into two) when she comes home from school and cries because she didn't have anyone to play with at lunchtime. When I see her hurt like that my defence mechanisms heighten, they are on full alert and all I want to do is grab her and flee. All I want to do is protect her from the world, from people... I don't ever want her to hurt. And I guess that's why I subconsciously surrounded us with a bubble. It was us and them. (I highlight subconsciously because I assume people will think I am selfish blah blah blah and I don't have the strength to fight that off at the moment. But yes, most things that I do are done subconsciously. I have good intentions. My brain has just been trained to function in an unhealthy way).

And that's what makes me think that she would be better off without me.

The emotions I am feeling right now are fucking intense. I can feel my heart breaking.

It's not too late to change. It's not too late to change. It's not too late to change.

Here's what I am going to do: I haven't met a parent at the school that I actually like or get on with - they're either superficial, stupid, rude or just want to bitch about the school (I also work there so it puts me in an awkward situation). BUT, it's time for my master of disguise to stretch even further in the day (I usually can only manage it when I'm at work and on occasion not even then). I am going to ask her who she classes as a good friend and who would she like to come round after school to play and have dinner, say once every two weeks and then I'll ask for the parent's phone number. I don't want to push it because I've got to use the SMART approach:

S pecific
M easurable
A chievable
R ealistic
T imescale

We use this in the CBT (which by the way I haven't had for a month due to the lack of money... that probably paid a part in my break down. Side note: If only I could afford the £65 an hour once a week, hey, I think even twice a month would work, then I know I would get better. And fast. We have an understanding and he is fucking amazing at what he does. Fucking depresses me even more that I can't see him). Anyway, we use this in CBT because it puts less pressure on you. If I said, "Right, you're going to have one friend around to play once a week and then you're going to meet up with a friend at the weekend too", then I pretty much set myself up to fail and then the cycle of self hatred will begin and you stay in the rut.

So, that will be my behaviour experiment.

I'm going to rephrase what I said about change... it is not about change. I don't need to change who I am. I am Sarah. I am me. It is about modifying and reparenting to enhance your quality of life and in turn enhance your child's life.

And you know what, all of the above is exactly what makes me a good mum.

The Bernard Bert

And We Fall Crashing To The Ground... Grounded

I was on Tumblr most of the evening, trying to compensate for the lack of involvement I have in the world right now. Thought it was time to go to bed after experiencing more anxiety, including OCD. Got upstairs, kissed my daughter goodnight and got into bed.

Was up three minutes later in tears...

Laying there, floating away into some other world, reality came to pay me a visit:

Reality: Sarah. Saraaaah. SARAH.

Silence

Reality: Sarah. You've got to come down sooner or later. You better make it sooner rather than later otherwise you will pay the consequences.

Me: No.

Reality: Sarah. Trust me.

Me: No.

Reality: Sarah...

Me: Yea... You have never lied to me before, Reality.

Uncontrollable crying

And upon that note, I stuck in my earphones and came downstairs where I sat and cried about all the pain and fear that I had been trying to protect myself from. And then the guilt came with the reality of impulsively spending money earlier that I did not have. And then came the worthlessness, followed by more pain... and then came the desperation.

I don't want to and I can't live like this anymore.

I picked up the phone and rang my ex that has known me for four years. We are still on talking terms but the barriers I have put up around myself refuse to let me open up to him. But this was an exception. And I cried and cried and cried. The one person who has stuck by me through thick and thin, consistently. That's when you know somebody truly loves you as a person. There must be something good about me if someone can love me and not be in love with me, right?

I know I am splitting right now because I feel invalidated. But I will write about that when I can stop denying its existence.

I am tired. My eyes are sore. And I need to be ready for another round with the chaos in my head.

The Bernard Bert

Dissociation

I woke up feeling like a pile of wank. The world scared me. I scared me. I could feel myself dissociating. It's very difficult for someone to comprehend if they have never felt that before... but it makes you feel like you are not here. That you're not in your body or this world, that nothing is real. Just completely detached from everything. Its scary because you feel like you're fading away, you aren't anything. No soul. No heart. No bones. No skin. No face. Nothing. It's as if you are watching yourself. I get scared because the OCD kicks in and then I torment myself about what I am capable of. It is not a nice place to be.

I know why I feel like this - because I haven't been at work for over a week and though I have seen people, it is not enough. I need structure, constant interactions with people. And though that sends my brain into chaos, at least I can feel something. At least I know that I am here. I am real and living in the world. I am grounded.

If only I had someone to catch me before I floated away, to ground me again.

At the moment, I am just floating somewhere in the air, watching myself carry out day to day activities. The worst thing about dissociation for me is that you don't feel in control and control is a big part of OCD and the borderline. We want control over everything in our lives because it is safer that way. The unpredictable unsettles me to the point where the OCD does kick in to help you deceptively feel like you do have control over something. But as I said, it is deceptive. Just another unhealthy coping mechanism that has been on automatic for as long as I can remember.

Control. What can we actually control in our life? We can't control our past or our future. We can't control other people's thoughts or actions. We can't control the world. Can we control ourselves? To a point. We have a choice: we can't control our thoughts, that is nearly impossible but we can control our responses to them. But you've got to have the tools; if you've been living a certain way for so long it becomes habit, automatic, it is just natural to you. And if you are completely unaware that your responses to your thoughts and feelings are unhealthy, then you inadvertently send yourself into a downward spiral of hate, worthlessness and the desire for control. It is a domino effect.

Borderline Chaos (thoughts, feelings, behaviour) ---> Depression ---> Dissociating as a coping mechanism ---> Anxiety ---> OCD as a coping mechanism to gain control ---> Anxiety ---> Dissociate further ---> Depression ---> And the cycle continues...

You get stuck in a rut. It's all about your mind trying to protect itself from all the fear and the pain. It's trying to help you survive - the fight or flight response - little does it know that it's only enhancing your initial problems.

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As I couldn't feel anything this morning, my mind tried to protect itself; the impulsiveness side of my borderline disorder came out. I know a little bit about where the impulsiveness stems from but haven't quite grasped it yet. More reading I think. But in layman's terms, it is another unhealthy coping mechanism. So I couldn't feel anything and I so desperately wanted to. Then an idea was planted in my head and then I couldn't let it go: to get a tattoo. I finally felt something other than emptiness. Adrenaline started to kick in at my genius idea. So my daughter and I got ready and made the 1hr 3/4 journey to my friend to get it done. I knew that I needed to get out of the house before I turned completely mad, I saw the signs, so I took the opportunity of my spontaneity. I wanted the tattoo to help ground me, to remind me why I was doing what I was doing, to help myself along the road of recovery. The last one I had done was of my daughter's name over the scar on my wrist where I had cut myself, to remind me why I am here.

It felt good to feel the fresh air on my face. The journey there wasn't great as I had to deal with panic attacks creeping up on me (I'll save that for another time), but it was an achievement to even be floating in the world.  It didn't hurt as I deserved any pain that was inflicted on me. I just took it and it was very ironic as Linkin Park's Numb came on the radio... I laid there, embraced it and my fear started to wash away in the words and the ink that was being imprinted on me... It was a moment that I will treasure.

I still don't feel great as that was a short lived moment and it will take a lot more to come back down to earth but I can look at the tattoo and it makes me feel like I am here. It urges me to just keep going.

Own your emotions, don't let them own you.

The Bernard Bert

Emotions

It is normal for you to feel that way. Own your emotions, don't let them own you.

Nothing like a bit of validation to wake up to. I will forever hold these words close to my heart. No one has ever said that to me before... that it was okay to feel the way I do.

These are our emotions, they are part of us but they do not define us.

Side note: I want to get a tattoo. The last one I had done was five years ago of my daughter's name on my wrist where I had a scar from cutting myself. Whenever I feel that all is lost, I look down at her name and remember why I am here.

The Bernard Bert

A Flow of Consciousness

I'm stuck in the past with my 13 year old self screaming at me: "Why won't you listen? Why won't you help me?"

If only I could hold her and tell her that everything will be okay. But I'm not sure how much truth that statement holds.

I look around and there isn't much on MBT therapy as a treatment for BPD, mostly on DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) being the successful treatment. This concerns me.

I read the information about DBT and it sits more comfortably than the idea of MBT. It feels right. It is in my gut.

Always trust your gut.

I want to be well now please.

That blissful moment when everything is beautiful. Things are good. You smile. Everything will be okay. And it lasts no more than a minute. Then you remember what you are and you come crashing right down to the ground.

I was reading another blog and it was about being a chameleon. I am a chameleon; moulding to the people around me. Always. Never being my true self because I don't have a true self.

Talked to my sister today about our parents (as we do most times when we speak) and how dysfunctional and basically fucked up they are. She came to the conclusion that neither of them have any self worth. I agreed and added, "I don't either. Just empty." And she replied, "But we must do. We must have something at our centre. We must have some self worth otherwise we wouldn't have got up from all the crap in our childhood and made sure we were something in life. We have self worth."

It really struck me. We came from such a disgusting place, all four of us, yet we are living in the world. We are all trying to be something other than our parents. It would've been easy to continue on the same path as out parents had, but we chose not to. I don't know what spurred us on, whether it was the terrifying idea of ending up like our parents or through sheer determination to finally mean something to the world... but we all  crawled out of the hole that they buried us in and said: "No. Fuck you. I will not succumb to this."

Yea sure, we all have our mental health problems... we're all "screwed up" in that sense. But we are dealing. My younger sister has three kids under the age of five and the amount of respect I have for her is unreal and I know she will find her path in life. My older sister is a very successful teacher and is climbing up the career ladder and I think it's only a matter of time when she decides to seek help for what I think is a mental disorder. My younger brother has surpassed any idea I had of him...

My brother. The little boy I wanted to protect from the world. I wanted to take away all of his pain but he didn't want my help. He didn't know how to accept help. He grew up being bullied by our dad. The mental abuse was disgusting, I am surprised he is still alive. We were not surprised when he started tormenting our mum after my dad was "removed" from our house; it was the only way he knew how to treat my mum after witnessing our dad do it. My dad had stripped him of a person. He was so lost. Everything he had learned was from our dad. Those traits were not healthy in the slightest. He was a shadow of a person. He wasn't living, just there. Dead. High. Recluse. Drunk. Violent. Abuser. A nobody and through no fault of his own.

And yet, I saw him yesterday after a year or so and the change in him... the change in his eyes. He wasn't dead anymore. He has a job, is looking for places to live so he can come out of the hostel, has friends and girlfriends, sociable, well-looked after... I was so proud of him but it was the confidence that choked me up. He believed in himself. He is turning his life around.

So yea, my mother sits there saying that she can't support us and that she is a bad mother, brushing off all responsibility for bringing us into the world. Abandoning all of us. No love, just guilt. Invalidating all of us and considering that our dad disowned us a long time ago... to know that our mother doesn't want to be our mother anymore...

We were all victims: me, my brother, my sisters, our mum and even our dad. But the difference between us and our parents is that we chose to stop being victims and become survivors instead.

The Bernard Bert

Defective

Remember this exact moment when it comes to worrying about taking time off work for your treatment.

Remember it well because it's what's going to get you through.

Remember this pain you are feeling at being a failed mother.

Remember how much you want to self harm to punish yourself, to try and get these horrible emotions to go away and remember how much you are having to fight the urge.

Remember getting into bed an hour ago, only to get up crying and sobbing your heart out at 1:30am.

Remember how much you want to get better for your daughter.

Remember this feeling of desperation and self hatred and how much you want it to go away.

I cannot live like this anymore. I cannot.

Years ago, I predicted my suicide would happen at the age of 25. I am now 25. It will be the same year that I get treatment. I remember saying it, I remember the emotions I was experiencing... I was going crazy and I knew and said that it wouldn't get better if I didn't get help. The help that I so fucking wanted but fought to get. I knew it wasn't just depression and anxiety that I had. I knew it was more than that. But they fed me antidepressants that I constantly complained about because they didn't help. I always knew it was at the core of me but nobody listened.

I truly do ask myself: would she be better off without me in her life?

I always think about it but more so since I was diagnosed and recently somebody commented on it and I just haven't been able to brush it off. It has stuck. Like the devil at the back of my head, willing me to fail. Is that what people think of me as a mother? But how do they know? They are not with us day in, day out?

And to be fair, that is the only negative comment I've ever got about being a mother - every other single one has been praise... yet, I've grabbed onto this negative judgement and I can't let go. If someone defines me like that, then it must be true. I don't believe people when they say I am "good", I do not absorb their praise. I do not love myself so how could that be true? The "bad" on the other hand... that must be true. I know I am defective, I just don't need people pointing it out. I am trying to get better. I know my faults.

I'm just crying, crying, crying... if I could scream right now then I would. But I won't and I never have - I have a daughter who is sleeping.

She is better off without this defect of a person trying to raise her.

I am nothing.

The Bernard Bert

Am I doomed?

I don't feel very good.

I want to hunch over into a ball and hide under the table.

I woke up feeling emotional and troubled and now I can't brush it. The feelings followed me through the night until the moment I had to force myself out of bed.

Got to keep on a mask so my daughter doesn't know. Probably one of the most exhausting things.

I felt awful this morning when I woke up late and she started crying. I went to find her upstairs and she said she felt sad but didn't want to tell me why because she didn't want me to feel bad.

You don't ever want to to hear your child say that, especially at seven years old.

She finally told me... it was because it was Easter and that I had gone out to see a friend last night and woke up late and she felt jealous.

I found a ripped up card that she had made me for Easter hiding somewhere on the sofa.

I reassured her it was okay to feel jealous and mad but I'm glad she spoke to me about it and that we will work together to try and make that better.

It was really difficult dealing with the situation considering my unstable emotional distress right now. But I did it.

I love her more than anything in the entire world.

Seven more hours until I can crumble and cry. Countdown begins.

The Bernard Bert

The Other Side

That feels a little better. I always beat myself up because I'm not the best at drawing. But hey ho. We can't be good at everything. I don't think... (self reassurance that in fact I cannot be good at everything). I have some books on drawing that I ordered a while ago. Will be spending part of my half term break living and breathing them...

Skeletor has returned. 

It is not finished but it will do for now. I'm tired. Or maybe I'll just leave it as it is. Spontaneous reflection of my emotions at this precise moment.

The Bernard Bert