Tired. Was going to sleep early on a FRIDAY NIGHT but thought I would keep up my efforts and write a post.
Reparenting is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Genuinely. It's like saying to someone "you literally have to go to work butt naked today. No socks, no shoes, nothing to cover your bits, just BUTT NAKED. And you have to stay like that all day long, with everyone staring at the flaws on your body, completely exposed". That is my analogy of the day... But you know what, after time that becomes the norm. Maybe the second, third and fourth day and even a month on you're still fucking bricking it about stepping out the shower only to step out the front door... but in time it starts to feel comfortable. It starts to become habit. It starts to become part of you.
I've been butt naked for a few months now... every so often I chuck on some clothes just to make myself feel comfortable again, but am soon ready to rip them off for another round of exposure.
It will become the norm. I am CERTAIN. I am determined. I am strong.
I was talking to a very good friend of mine this evening... they said that I was the strongest person they knew right now. I automatically wanted to brush it off, deflect it... sometimes it hurts to realise that I am strong. It's like this little voice inside of me saying, "No you're not! Don't be so silly, you useless waste of space!" But actually I need to be kind to myself and realise that I am strong. You're rising from the ashes and making a better life for you and your daughter. That is something to be proud of.
I don't think we meet people by chance. I think they are brought to us for a reason. Having a friend that genuinely cares and is always ready to listen gives me hope in people. No one will ever fully understand, not even people that experience the same disorder because everyone is an individual, but knowing that someone is there is a comforting thought. Something I've never had before...or rather, pushed away...
I'm going to end this post saying that even though it is a long journey to recovery, every little step counts toward your success. Every single little baby step. And even though the journey is extraordinarily long and exhausting and an intense rollercoaster, once you're there at the top peering down at where you came from, you'll know that it was all worth it.
The Bernard Bert
Friday, 8 March 2013
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Damned if I do, Damned if I don't?
I am feeling overwhelmed. Tired. Quite tearful and in all honesty I could sit here and cry because that's all I really know how to do (although sometimes its difficult to even do that), but I am so, so tired. Work drains me. I don't like my job. I like working with my friend and with the kids but I don't like my job. I'm working to live and living to work. It becomes more and more apparent each day that I need to leave to improve my quality of life but I cannot handle the change of an environment right now. My priority is to get better which enhances my main priority which is to be a better mother to my daughter.
I went to an assessment today through the NHS. I broke down in September and was referred and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and finally went to an assessment for treatment (though not the actual treatment...) I have another one next week so they can decide what treatment would be best for me and then it will be another 4 months from them to receive the treatment.
It is a long time to wait when you are struggling with an illness day in, day out and you need treatment for it. Would a person with a physical illness, say cancer have to wait so long? I beat death at least once a month. On my own because I have to but it shouldn't be like that. If I didn't have my daughter I would have gone a long time ago. Death is always at my door and I have to battle it with all the strength I have on a regular basis...without the treatment. It is sucking the life out of me. I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired of doing it on my own.
One thing that has stuck with me from the assessment is that the therapist said that on the outside I look absolutely fine - I'm articulate, calm, composed, self aware and knowledgeable but she understood that just because I look and seem okay on the outside, it doesn't mean I'm not tearing up on the inside. I made the job very easy for them to understand what treatment I may need and what I struggle with. The only problem when I speak to health professionals is sometimes the way in which I carry myself (I'm not chaotic when I speak, I can pinpoint my problems and the origins of them, I am not falling apart in front of their eyes and I am very self aware) means that the severity of my problems are misconstrued. They assume that I am okay and I'm coping. But I'm not. The only time I was the complete opposite to this was back in September when I broke down and went through my crisis. I couldn't be strong anymore.
They saw a glimpse of what life is really like for me when they said that treatment would be over 2 or 3 full days a week for a year and a half. The thought played on my mind for a while and then I started welling up (tried to hide it) and burst into tears. Now, in an ideal world this would be fucking fantastic. Intense therapy. Re parenting myself. Finally getting the help I needed. But then came the negative that outshone the positive... being able to take time off work and then if I was allowed, would I get paid (I'm going through some financial hardship)...what would my boss think of me...what would others think of me for taking time off...what would I think of myself if I did... I am very hard on myself and would feel bad missing all that time... and these thoughts just went round and round and they're still going round... So, I cried. I didn't know how else do deal with these emotions of joy, relief, apprehension, guilt, panic about having to make a decision in the future... just absolutely overwhelmed.
I described myself to the therapist that my emotions are experienced as if I am still ten; underdeveloped. She said that I had hit the nail on the head. That my emotions are raw and exposed. I was never nurtured. I never witnessed how to cope with emotions, whether positive or negative.
Every emotion that I have is experienced at the utmost intensity.
I will re parent myself. I will get through. I will become the person that I want to be. At least 18 years of living this way... of living with some sort of distress... of knowing that I wasn't quite right and knowing that the things and people around me weren't quite right... it's going to be a long and challenging journey and probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But, I will get there. I am a survivor.
The Bernard Bert
I went to an assessment today through the NHS. I broke down in September and was referred and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and finally went to an assessment for treatment (though not the actual treatment...) I have another one next week so they can decide what treatment would be best for me and then it will be another 4 months from them to receive the treatment.
It is a long time to wait when you are struggling with an illness day in, day out and you need treatment for it. Would a person with a physical illness, say cancer have to wait so long? I beat death at least once a month. On my own because I have to but it shouldn't be like that. If I didn't have my daughter I would have gone a long time ago. Death is always at my door and I have to battle it with all the strength I have on a regular basis...without the treatment. It is sucking the life out of me. I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired of doing it on my own.
One thing that has stuck with me from the assessment is that the therapist said that on the outside I look absolutely fine - I'm articulate, calm, composed, self aware and knowledgeable but she understood that just because I look and seem okay on the outside, it doesn't mean I'm not tearing up on the inside. I made the job very easy for them to understand what treatment I may need and what I struggle with. The only problem when I speak to health professionals is sometimes the way in which I carry myself (I'm not chaotic when I speak, I can pinpoint my problems and the origins of them, I am not falling apart in front of their eyes and I am very self aware) means that the severity of my problems are misconstrued. They assume that I am okay and I'm coping. But I'm not. The only time I was the complete opposite to this was back in September when I broke down and went through my crisis. I couldn't be strong anymore.
They saw a glimpse of what life is really like for me when they said that treatment would be over 2 or 3 full days a week for a year and a half. The thought played on my mind for a while and then I started welling up (tried to hide it) and burst into tears. Now, in an ideal world this would be fucking fantastic. Intense therapy. Re parenting myself. Finally getting the help I needed. But then came the negative that outshone the positive... being able to take time off work and then if I was allowed, would I get paid (I'm going through some financial hardship)...what would my boss think of me...what would others think of me for taking time off...what would I think of myself if I did... I am very hard on myself and would feel bad missing all that time... and these thoughts just went round and round and they're still going round... So, I cried. I didn't know how else do deal with these emotions of joy, relief, apprehension, guilt, panic about having to make a decision in the future... just absolutely overwhelmed.
I described myself to the therapist that my emotions are experienced as if I am still ten; underdeveloped. She said that I had hit the nail on the head. That my emotions are raw and exposed. I was never nurtured. I never witnessed how to cope with emotions, whether positive or negative.
Every emotion that I have is experienced at the utmost intensity.
I will re parent myself. I will get through. I will become the person that I want to be. At least 18 years of living this way... of living with some sort of distress... of knowing that I wasn't quite right and knowing that the things and people around me weren't quite right... it's going to be a long and challenging journey and probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But, I will get there. I am a survivor.
The Bernard Bert
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Be Happy - NOW
I drew this the other night when I was in bed. Now, I'm not the best drawer in the world but I like doing it nonetheless. Trying to figure out my own style. I kinda like the amateur features to this though... it makes it more vulnerable... a kind of innocence that this girl wants but doesn't have...
The Bernard Bert
Retreat
I want to marry this guy. Michael Fassbender. Perfection.
You know everybody has their 'escapes' to keep them sane? Like drawing or running? Well he's one of them then.
I know it sounds stupid but it's the little things that help you take a break from reality. Like films. I love The Lord of the Rings...the films and books. They're an escape. They send me to a far away place and I'm on a journey with them. The story of the brave hobbits helped me through a horrible place when I was younger and when I watch them now I'm older, they still inspire me to keep on going.
The little things in life. Have a think about what yours are and then find the time to do them more... that will be my vow to myself. It doesn't hurt to give yourself a break every now and then.
The Bernard Bert
Sunday, 17 February 2013
Analogy
For people who find it difficult to understand the "borderline"... take a read...
http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/8225_the_burn_of_borderline_personality_disorder
The Bernard Bert
http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/8225_the_burn_of_borderline_personality_disorder
The Bernard Bert
I ain't going down
So I stumbled across this awesome website and it just gives me more and more drive to seek out my creativity:
http://www.hitrecord.org/
Going to upload some of my old work onto here... when I find my damn camera lead...
This BLOG is definitely a WORK IN PROGRESS.
Will be posting information about Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and OCD.
Ready for the 674th round. Bring it.
The Bernard Bert
http://www.hitrecord.org/
Going to upload some of my old work onto here... when I find my damn camera lead...
This BLOG is definitely a WORK IN PROGRESS.
Will be posting information about Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and OCD.
Ready for the 674th round. Bring it.
The Bernard Bert
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