Friday, 8 March 2013

The Cycle Ends Here

Tired. Was going to sleep early on a FRIDAY NIGHT but thought I would keep up my efforts and write a post.

Reparenting is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Genuinely. It's like saying to someone "you literally have to go to work butt naked today. No socks, no shoes, nothing to cover your bits, just BUTT NAKED. And you have to stay like that all day long, with everyone staring at the flaws on your body, completely exposed". That is my analogy of the day... But you know what, after time that becomes the norm. Maybe the second, third and fourth day and even a month on you're still fucking bricking it about stepping out the shower only to step out the front door... but in time it starts to feel comfortable. It starts to become habit. It starts to become part of you. 

I've been butt naked for a few months now... every so often I chuck on some clothes just to make myself feel comfortable again, but am soon ready to rip them off for another round of exposure.

It will become the norm. I am CERTAIN. I am determined. I am strong.

I was talking to a very good friend of mine this evening... they said that I was the strongest person they knew right now. I automatically wanted to brush it off, deflect it... sometimes it hurts to realise that I am strong. It's like this little voice inside of me saying, "No you're not! Don't be so silly, you useless waste of space!" But actually I need to be kind to myself and realise that I am strong. You're rising from the ashes and making a better life for you and your daughter. That is something to be proud of.

I don't think we meet people by chance. I think they are brought to us for a reason. Having a friend that genuinely cares and is always ready to listen gives me hope in people. No one will ever fully understand, not even people that experience the same disorder because everyone is an individual, but knowing that someone is there is a comforting thought. Something I've never had before...or rather, pushed away...

I'm going to end this post saying that even though it is a long journey to recovery, every little step counts toward your success. Every single little baby step. And even though the journey is extraordinarily long and exhausting and an intense rollercoaster, once you're there at the top peering down at where you came from, you'll know that it was all worth it.

The Bernard Bert



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