I am feeling overwhelmed. Tired. Quite tearful and in all honesty I could sit here and cry because that's all I really know how to do (although sometimes its difficult to even do that), but I am so, so tired. Work drains me. I don't like my job. I like working with my friend and with the kids but I don't like my job. I'm working to live and living to work. It becomes more and more apparent each day that I need to leave to improve my quality of life but I cannot handle the change of an environment right now. My priority is to get better which enhances my main priority which is to be a better mother to my daughter.
I went to an assessment today through the NHS. I broke down in September and was referred and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and finally went to an assessment for treatment (though not the actual treatment...) I have another one next week so they can decide what treatment would be best for me and then it will be another 4 months from them to receive the treatment.
It is a long time to wait when you are struggling with an illness day in, day out and you need treatment for it. Would a person with a physical illness, say cancer have to wait so long? I beat death at least once a month. On my own because I have to but it shouldn't be like that. If I didn't have my daughter I would have gone a long time ago. Death is always at my door and I have to battle it with all the strength I have on a regular basis...without the treatment. It is sucking the life out of me. I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired of doing it on my own.
One thing that has stuck with me from the assessment is that the therapist said that on the outside I look absolutely fine - I'm articulate, calm, composed, self aware and knowledgeable but she understood that just because I look and seem okay on the outside, it doesn't mean I'm not tearing up on the inside. I made the job very easy for them to understand what treatment I may need and what I struggle with. The only problem when I speak to health professionals is sometimes the way in which I carry myself (I'm not chaotic when I speak, I can pinpoint my problems and the origins of them, I am not falling apart in front of their eyes and I am very self aware) means that the severity of my problems are misconstrued. They assume that I am okay and I'm coping. But I'm not. The only time I was the complete opposite to this was back in September when I broke down and went through my crisis. I couldn't be strong anymore.
They saw a glimpse of what life is really like for me when they said that treatment would be over 2 or 3 full days a week for a year and a half. The thought played on my mind for a while and then I started welling up (tried to hide it) and burst into tears. Now, in an ideal world this would be fucking fantastic. Intense therapy. Re parenting myself. Finally getting the help I needed. But then came the negative that outshone the positive... being able to take time off work and then if I was allowed, would I get paid (I'm going through some financial hardship)...what would my boss think of me...what would others think of me for taking time off...what would I think of myself if I did... I am very hard on myself and would feel bad missing all that time... and these thoughts just went round and round and they're still going round... So, I cried. I didn't know how else do deal with these emotions of joy, relief, apprehension, guilt, panic about having to make a decision in the future... just absolutely overwhelmed.
I described myself to the therapist that my emotions are experienced as if I am still ten; underdeveloped. She said that I had hit the nail on the head. That my emotions are raw and exposed. I was never nurtured. I never witnessed how to cope with emotions, whether positive or negative.
Every emotion that I have is experienced at the utmost intensity.
I will re parent myself. I will get through. I will become the person that I want to be. At least 18 years of living this way... of living with some sort of distress... of knowing that I wasn't quite right and knowing that the things and people around me weren't quite right... it's going to be a long and challenging journey and probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But, I will get there. I am a survivor.
The Bernard Bert
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