Cover Your Ears

I'm going to carry on being honest about how I feel... as I experience every drop of emotion... I cannot help the way that I feel. I simply can't.

I am very alone. Alone with myself. Alone with these struggles. Alone and scared. Crying and crying... I am not just feeling "down", that word does not do it justice in the slightest. I am never just "down". From the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep, I am in what feels like hell. Hell and chaos in my head.

I dread going to sleep because I know that the night will fly right passed me and then tomorrow will come and it will be another battle. Another struggle to get through the day. I don't have very many "good" days anymore. On a Friday and Saturday I try to stay up as long as I can in hope that tomorrow won't come. The thought of it fills me with dread, like there is a gaping hole in my stomach...

I was just laying on my bed listening to music and then the track finished and all was silent. All you could hear were the sounds of my cries. As I laid there with my arms by my sides, I turned them over and thought how peaceful I would be if I cut my wrists so deep that there was no coming back. I would just bleed to death in my bed and it would be too late before anyone found me. And I thought of my daughter and how better off she would be without me... no more inconsistencies. She could grow up sane and with somebody stable. I'm scared I am ruining her childhood. I am scared that I am turning her into me.

The thought of me laying there on blood soaked sheets did not scare me at all; it filled me with comfort and peace. Knowing that the battle would end... I would die with a smile on my face.

Though I will not do it, it is sad that the only time I feel at peace is when I am thinking about dying.

I need a hug. I need to cry on somebody's shoulder. But I can't. I feel that there is only one person in my life that validates me on my journey... I don't think she knows how much she has done for me. Some people know, but they don't know. I just don't think they know how to be there. And I feel guilty and selfish thinking these things, but they don't know or don't want to know... I don't know... I know people have their own shit but surely... Maybe it is my issue... I cannot explain. All part of the chaos in my fucking head.

I have no father. My mother is practically non existent in my life. My younger sister has a family of her own. My older sister is trying to find her own answers. My younger brother isn't around. I have no aunts, uncles, nans, granddads or cousins. I don't have a partner. I am on my own. I deal with this on my own and it is a discouraging thought.

I'm quite sick and tired of being on my own. I feel invalidated. I feel non existent. I feel that the severity of it is not heard. I feel that I'm just another mental health problem. I feel that I am not allowed to be ill. It is no wonder that I try to be strong all of the time...

I don't think I am going to get better.

The Bernard Bert