Hold Your Breath

Hmm... I'm not really sure what to write. I just know that I want to write.

I haven't been feeling "ok" these past few days. I'm not sure why. I think it might be due to the fact that I am getting ill. Yay.

I woke up feeling very anxious today and I couldn't pinpoint why. Maybe because I was doing some hardcore reading on the disorder last night and making notes and continued at every opportune moment today. It made me anxious because... maybe because it's all hitting home... I don't know. It's a book my ex bought to "help him cope better" (I say that in quotes because it makes me mad and I can't be bothered to go into detail as to why) and reading it has shed some light onto myself - ways in which to explain my behaviours and feelings that I have never been able to do. I am making notes for him in the book, but y'know what, if I've got to make notes then really, he is never going to understand. It will always be a question of him asking himself: "Am I doing things right?" I can't be dealing with that shit. Just grow some balls and do it. Then I feel the guilt of thinking that. Looks like I'm getting to some of the root as to why I am feeling, well, blah.

I hate being in the middle of feeling something and nothing. It's like you're stuck in limbo for a while, wondering whether you're going to climb up or sink right down. The not knowing. If I felt good I would feel something. If I felt empty at least it would still be a feeling. But right now, I don't have a feeling; just waiting at the top of the rollercoaster, holding my breathe in anticipation of dropping back or going forward. Time will reveal all.

I wonder when things will be "ok" with me, where I can say "Yea, today was ok and I am ok" and then being able to feel ok with being ok... feeling comfortable with the absence of drama.

Of late, I have been here thinking what it's going to be like when I get better. It's as if I have this distorted image of me becoming this perfect person - finding a complete cure for this illness. I fail to see that this is not the reality. I will come to accept the idea that I will never be "cured". But I do often wonder what life would be like without the moods and the anger and the irritability and the chaos running through my head 24 hours a day.

Aaah.

I do hope that is possible because I so desperately want to be free of that. I want to be at peace with myself and I want to be the one to give it to me. I am sure that is possible: finding my identity after a whole life living as if I am somebody else or even worse, nobody. I am certain that I can find some sort of peace. I know things will never fully go away - it is part of me, imprinted - but I hold the thought close to my heart that I will cope better... I will be more at peace with myself, with others and with the world.

I think that is what Mentalized Based Treatment is all about. Finding your core. Finding you. Finding your sense of self. And then what follows is that life will become less strenuous for you.. you can cope better with it... you can almost be happy... (An underlying worry is about work and the treatment... another time...)

I so want to get better. I wonder what life would be like without this disorder. Just this moment, that hit me; I have an illness. It's a real thing. I wonder what it is like for an emotionally matured person to experience the world. I wonder. I long for but I guess I'll never know.

This is going to be part of me forever. I'm always going to have this. I cannot be cured. I don't like this person but I have no choice but to try and accept her. I want to shut her off, tell her to go away, tell her to change, tell her to just do one because I don't like her one little bit. But hey, I've got to live with her.

I've got to love myself.

I hope that one day I can learn to love and accept myself. Hating yourself is such a tiring game.

I guess that's what lies at the bottom of it all; you don't hate anyone but yourself with every fibre in your body.

The Bernard Bert