I was faced with a massive challenge today; changing my behaviour toward my parenting. I always try to be the best mum I can be but my disorder always stands in my way... ones that I don't want to go into now but a lot of those issues circle around my irrational and inconsistent moods and guilt and the fear of being judged... but today a good friend helped me onto the right path.
Everything happens for a reason.
I could've taken the easy road, which is pretty much an avoidance technique that I am oh so used to for the temporary relief it gives me. Going in that direction though is always like a domino effect on everything else. You just sink into a bad cycle just for the temporary relief of having an easy life at the time and not having to worry about the feelings it brings about afterwards.
My ideas about achieving anything were confirmed to me today; nothing is going to be worth shit if you take the easy road. You've got to work for success, take the hard and long road, but the work pays off.
Today was a very good milestone in my life as a mum. I did the complete opposite of what I would usually do and though I still experienced negative emotions afterwards, they were not as intense and the more I stick to this behaviour the more those emotions almost don't exist anymore. RE PARENTING. And doing it in all aspects of my life because EVERYTHING leads back to the disorder. I mean everything. It is part of me, embedded in me right to the core. It is everything I have learned. It is my unwilling automatic response to be this way because I know no other.
I have made a choice to change and I will.
I am very proud of my daughter. My love for her exceeds everything and though I may be taking this journey for myself, I am also doing it for her. She deserves to grow up in a place that is the complete opposite to my experience as a child. I will do all in my power to ensure she doesn't go through the same as I did.
I am very proud of myself for making a positive change. It's the whole case of going butt naked again, but I ripped those clothes off to be exposed and it paid off. Hard work pays off. It was never going to be easy.
I am nowhere near to success but knowing that I actually did something to help my progress is an encouraging thought. My CBT therapist (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) says that no, we cannot change the way we think or feel, that it is almost impossible... so, we start at the root of what we can change: our behaviour. We can control our actions if only we take a step back and find the strength to do the complete opposite to your usual negative behaviour. Yes, it takes a hell of a lot out of you, especially if you have to slowly change most behaviours that you do, but soon the modified behaviour has a positive effect on your thoughts and emotions. Behaviour Challenges.
Sometimes I don't know how to ask for help, I just need someone to point me in the right direction. Sometimes I don't have the strength to do it on my own, I just need someone to take my hand and guide me.
Sometimes I'm so lost and my will has faded, I just need someone to pick me up off of the ground.
The Bernard Bert
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