X

I went out drinking last night. Was extremely apprehensive about doing it but wanted to try and have a good time. When I have known that I was going out before I've always been aware that the alcohol will only make my mood go down the next day, to a point of depression. I always managed to brush it off and tell myself "Ah well, we'll deal with it later". But, this was the first time I had been out having all this power of knowledge about the disorder and I got scared and really nervous.

Then I found out that the friend of the guy I was doing whatever with at work knew about us and it bummed me out (as I don't really know what to label this guy - he is neither an ex nor a friend nor a lover - I shall call him X... how creative...)  1. because I had been lied to as I had asked X if his friend knew and then I started questioning myself and feeling paranoid 2. because I didn't trust my gut - I would catch his friend weirdly looking at me when X was around amongst other things and 3. because I am now worried that his friend has told other people at work.

Now, this brings up a whole heap of shit/chaos in my head and it all links back to having a weak sense of self and worrying what other people think of me. I'm getting better at not giving a shit... but it is still there. When I compare myself to how I was back in September, I have come a long way; I am somewhat more in control of my thoughts. I would have been going crazy with worry back then to the point of feeling so damn 'down' and wanting to run. But now, although I am worried that other people may know and judge me, the idea that these people actually don't mean shit to me, nor do their opinions of me is starting to sit more easily. It is still a very unsettling thought that people may gossip about my personal shit but actually I go into work to work and if I make friends along the way then that is a bonus, but I'm there to do a job, not to make friends with these people. They can think just what they like because these people don't have to live my life.

I don't like being lied to because I think I deserve better but I understand why X chose to say otherwise. If I knew, it wouldn't have achieved anything, no one would've benefited from it. His friend said that he "just needed to unload some shit... get some stuff off of his chest" and now it's bugging me because I don't know exactly what was said... whether he was bad mouthing me... calling me crazy like people have done before... I suppose the question I have to ask myself is does it really matter? Probably not.

With the disorder, I have such a weak sense of self that I feel I don't have an identity so I give everyone else but myself the power to label me... to give me an identity... a sense of being... and when that idea is that I may be painted as a 'bad person' I feel that it must be true because what other identity do I have to hold on to? None. I let other people define me because at the moment I cannot define myself. I try, but my sense of self is distorted.. unsettled.. at times non existent.. contradictory.. inconsistent.. unstable.

I will get there. I can feel it.

I contacted X for the first time in a long time because I wanted to see how he was and I guess I wanted to know what he had to say for himself for telling his friend. But then I realised that actually it didn't matter and that it was between them; he is no longer part of my life so his friend knowing or not knowing doesn't change anything. I didn't get a response. I thought I would. It generated some negative feelings but I have to say - and this is how I know I am making progress - they were not nearly as intense as they were six weeks ago if the same thing had happened where I was ignored. I do feel invalidated but less intense.

"I know it is harsh but the reality is is that you are nobody to him. But, just because you are nobody to him, it doesn't mean you are a nobody".

I don't need him to define who I am. I have subconsciously spent far too long putting my life in other people's unwilling hands in hope they could tell me who I was because I couldn't.

X was right and I think I always knew that but denied it because I didn't know how to deal with; I was looking for something in him but he was not it. I was looking for someone to pick me up off of the ground, to understand me, to love me because I couldn't. I didn't know back then that it was me who had to pick myself off of the ground, it was me who needed to understand myself and it was me who needed to love me. It doesn't mean that my feelings for him aren't genuine because I care about him a great deal and I wouldn't want any harm to come him... I have a lot of love to give... but I need to turn that love inward first.

I'm feeling frustrated, invalid to him, hurt and slightly angry right now because I haven't gotten a response. It digs up unwanted feelings or shame, but that is for another time.

It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.

 We are our own worst enemy.

The Bernard Bert

Edit: I just tried ringing. I was going to send another message then thought "Hold on, you want to talk to him, just pick up the phone, stop beating around the bush". So I did and he didn't answer but then he called back. Was a very difficult conversation for the simple fact we had nothing to say. We spoke about the above and he said he never told his friend and that if his friend knew then everyone knows (because he is a gossip). Then he slightly blamed me because I told some friends but I know they would never say anything to anyone.

But as I said (and I am actually starting to believe it) - their opinion of me or him or whatever they want to say about the "situation" DOES NOT MATTER. 

I actually have a smile on my face.