I am struggling. Once again.
I wasn't really prepared for all the things that I had buried deep over the course of my life to come to the surface. Opened a can of worms... I don't like worms. They freak me out.
I need to prepare myself for treatment. This it it. Approaching the first day of the rest of my life. It will suck the life out of me and I'll be sinking into a pool of worms. Just sinking, sinking...
Most recently the worms are in the form of my mother and the unwanted resentment I have toward her. The other, is my past relationships with partners that I pushed so far away that they are now out of reach.
I found myself just bumming around last night even though I had so much to do. I didn't want to. I just wanted to bum. So I did. I started thinking about the greatest love of my life that I pushed away and destroyed to an extent. I started reading messages from five years ago. One struck me hard. It was after we had broken up and he sent me a message explaining what I had done and why he had to leave. I remember at the time feeling the guilt when I read it but also the defensiveness I had over myself, like I couldn't admit that I had done something wrong. But, reading it five years on... I can see everything... and I can hold my hands up... and it all makes sense why I did the things I did and why I could never take responsibility for them back then... it was always easier for me to run and blame it on somebody else because I didn't have the tools to understand my behaviour... I'm taking responsibility now... it's never too late to admit that you were wrong... and lost...
I was so lost...
I put that guy through hell and back again. I need to deal with the guilt. I think I broke him as a person and though it doesn't excuse the pain he put me through afterwards with his destructive behaviour, I understand why he did it. I understand what I did to him. No it was not my fault, it wasn't anybody's fault, but I am sorry nonetheless. I wish I knew the things I do today about myself and maybe I wouldn't have lost him... everything has a reason and I can't think that way...
Relationships and the "Borderline" (I put in quotes because I can't stand that word to describe me) just don't mix. I think it is impossible for me to have a relationship until I am in recovery. My therapist said that though I can better, I will always have to check myself, always have to take a step back and make sure I'm not relapsing...forever... that is a scary thought but I am accepting it.
We can't do relationships because we feel we are unworthy of love and will do all in our power to try and prove that. So we push, push and push until they are gone and we can turn round and say "I told you so. I am not worthy of love". I never had stability or consistent love through my childhood. It is unnatural to me. It makes me feel like I don't deserve it when someone comes along and gives me a part of their heart. I don't know what to do with it, so I start tearing it up, running, avoiding, trying to give it back... trying to prove that I am not worthy to have it... that is all I know. Hence the destructive behaviour... I will subconsciously make you hate me... Love... it unsettles me. I hope one day I can receive it with open arms and look after it...
I just fall deeper and deeper into an unhealthy cycle and I never knew how to break it... I never knew what was wrong... I thought that was just the way things had to be. I never knew any different.
I always said that I would be dead before I was 25 if I didn't get help. I always said that it's got to be better than this.
It's got to be better than this.
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you'll make it now...
The Bernard Bert
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