Rachel Getting Married

I watched Rachel Getting Married last night.. It's a film that is said to base Anne Hathaway's character on the Borderline Personality Disorder. It was strange (yet not so strange) how I could relate to the character's behaviour and her unsaid thoughts and feelings. It had me in tears. It was almost as if I could read into her thoughts when her behaviour changed as a result of her interpersonal relationships with her family. At times, she did not voice how she felt but I could see the cogs working in the back of her head that spurred on her reaction. It was uncanny at times how much she was like me.

She felt so misunderstood and that is a difficult feeling to explain to anyone, hence her destructive ways of trying to express that. A few scenes in particular really struck me hard so much so that it reduced me to tears because it took me back to a place.. a bad place. She'd had a run in with her mum (who is a selfish "role model" to her children and puts her needs before theirs, something that is all too familiar), they exchanged hurtful words and her mum didn't take responsibility for her actions in the past, always on the defence and then she punched her. Hathaway's character got up and punched her right in her fucking face (yes, you can sense that I felt her anger) and then left.

I'm not sure I would've punched her as the way in which I express my anger is usually through shouting - or at times screaming - and I've never physically hurt somebody (ruling out the few times when I was younger and one was alcohol fuelled..). But the way that she just wanted to get out of there and run away as fast as she could was an emotion I feel most times and usually I do run away or do everything in my power to try and avoid these feelings..to no avail. I have learned to cope with these feelings of avoidance of late, but it is no where near being completely modified. In time. Back to the point, she ran out of her mum's house, got in the car, crying, completely distraught - I could feel the pain in her head - and instead of turning off the road where she needed to, she put her foot down and drove straight into the unknown.. and crashed.

That feeling... that destructive behaviour.. that feeling of not caring what would happen next.. you're just going to do it, act on impulse because you don't know what else to do.. the running and going and going until there is no coming back from it, making a fucking mess on the floor only for you to have to try and clear it up afterwards (which is almost impossible for you because you can't take responsibility for your actions). My impulsive and destructive behaviour has been the bane of my life. It has caused me - and lots of other people - distress and hurt and anger... exactly what happened to her when she realised that she was going to have to face the consequences.

Another scene that got right under my skin was when she came back home after the crash, black and blue and her sister took her in with open arms. She bathed her whilst Hathaway's character cried in the bath tub. It was all very real for me. I've been there; you don't have any words anymore, just tears and it's sort of you saying "Help me... I can't do it anymore. I need you to look after me. I need to feel loved". You're just broken...dead...empty...exhausted... laying on the floor. You just need someone to take your hand and help you back up.

Anyway, I'll be watching this again. Wanted to type more but I just want to lay on the sofa. I want to write another post on how I'm feeling right now. After a smoke or two...or six.

The Bernard Bert